Getting to Yes
Although not used by all cohousing communities nor considered a "primer to cohousing," one of the best works on conflict resolution is Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement
Without Giving In by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton (NY: Penguin Books, Inc., 1991) Developed out of their work in a mediation project at Harvard University, they describe four principles of win-win conflict resolution:
Focus on Interests, Not Positions
Determine what is important for all parties. Interests are at the heart of every conflict. They
define the problems and are composed of the needs, desires, and concerns which motivate
people.
Positions are things you have decided upon; they are your demands. Avoid taking
positions. It is easy to get locked into them, and focusing on them can escalate the
conflict.
The advantage of reconciling interests rather than positions is that every interest has
several positions that can satisfy it. People often adopt the most obvious position, but when
you look for the interest behind opposed positions, you can usually find alternative
positions which address all parties' interests.
Separate the People from the Problem
Everyone has substantive interests, and also has an interest in the relationship with others.
The problem is that the relationship tends to become entangled with the substantive
problems. One reason is that people often make assumptions about others' intentions and
attitudes toward them, based on comments about substance, e.g., "Smith disagrees with
me on this. I know he is out to get me."
Positional bargaining tends to put relationship and substance in conflict because it frames
a conflict as a contest of will over position. Deal with the people problems directly. Don't try to solve them with substantive concessions.
Where perceptions are inaccurate, look for ways to educate.
If emotions are high, find ways for each person involved to let off steam. Where misunderstanding exists, work to improve communication.
Face the problem, not the people. Think of yourself as partners with others in a hardheaded, side-by-side search for a fair agreement advantageous to all.
Invent Options for Mutual Gain
Invent options for mutual gain.
Identify a range of solutions. Do not assume that there are only two possibilities, yours and mine. Be creative and think broadly.
Use Objective Criteria to Choose an Option
Examples of criteria are:
precedent, scientific judgment,
professional standards,
policy,
efficiency,
costs,
moral standards,
equal treatment,
tradition,
reciprocity, etc.
Frame each issue as a joint search for objective criteria: " Look, you
want X and I want Y. Let's figure out a solution gets us both."
Reason and be open to reason. Look for an objective basis for deciding between conflicting criteria. Which criteria is more frequently applied by similar groups or in similar situations.
Or agree on an expert or other person who will determine the criteria.
Never yield to pressure. Pressure can take many forms: a threat, a manipulative
appeal to trust, or a simple refusal to budge. In all these cases, the principled
response is the same:
invite others to state their reasoning
suggest objective criteria you think apply
and refuse to budge except on this basis.
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